演员日记 Performer's Dairy by Natasha Khanum

Process for this show has been an extremely tiring and mentally exhausting one but, I have to admit, everyday, there’s always something new to learn. A new concept to explore. Every rehearsal would begin with the usual warm and stretches, but the stretches are more intense, movements are slower. The idea is to feel every single minor muscle in your body, to listen to them, to talk to them. I will say, It hurts like hell but we need to control, the mind will tell you it hurts, but we control our body, we can chose to give in or go on. And that’s the hard part. Pain and discomfort always causes me to lose focus. There is this particular exercise we do, where we stand in a certain position and focus on to a point for a long period of time. The longest we’ve done was 30min, but I was not stable, I kept tripping and losing focus due to pain. The pain just snaps me back to reality and immediately I lose control over my body. Control is NOT easy, especially when your body is yelling at you to stop!! But I do realize that I am improving bit by bit and this is what drives me to continue this process. Even a simple movement like walking, when speed is decreased, it is amazing at the amount of muscles that work just for a single movement. You can feel every inch of your body. We humans take our body for granted. Never really feeling or appreciating our body. I’m now more aware of my body due to these exercises.

Another exercise that we do is to walk like animals, on all fours; our palms and feet touching the floor and nothing else. This hurts very badly as well. I think the first time in my life, my lower back muscles were fully utilized. Animals are definitely physically much stronger than humans. Every muscle is utilized, while we human stay in our comfort zone. Question asked by my director that struck my mind was “ why must walking be on two legs?” which is true…why legs…why not hands? Why not knees? We’re so accustomed to our normal comfort zone.

One of the objectives of the Manimal process is to break free from the norm and test your limits. To not use the direct approach, to express emotions using alternative movements. That’s the goal. It is not easy to break free from the invisible boundaries in your head. That’s one of my weaknesses. For example, anger, if I were to express anger, I’d use big loud angry heavy aggressive movements; HOWEVER, that is a direct approach. It is possible that a simple or small movement can be used to show anger. How? Well, that is the problem I’m facing. Breaking free from the norm is easier said than then done. It takes a lot of experimentation.

In this process, we have a lot of group presentations and individual presentation. It is helps build creativity because after every presentation, our director would have a feedback session. In fact, every rehearsal comes with a feedback which seriously helps growth. When we’re up on stage, I for sure can’t see myself perform. So we’re able to work on our weaknesses and strengths, what works and what does not. It makes it much easier to grow as a performer. Note I said EASIER…not EASY. This process would only last in a span of 2 months, but already, I’m beginning to understand and listen to my body. Although I do realize I do still play it safe, I am trying bit by bit to extend away from my comfort zone, not only physically but mentally. I’m enjoying every bit of the process.